Gossip Graham: Porn, Botox, and Gay Israelis
(This week’s illustration of the Capitol Beauty Shop, via AI)
About Gossip Graham: You didn’t hear from me but… Cowtown Caller has made contact with an “unnamed source” in the Capitol who is always feeding the press stories of sex, lies, and scandal. He may have never sat on the Beauty Shop Committee (which is a real thing by the way) but needless to say, he is in there every day to dish with the girls.
Who is he? We can’t say. But sit down and break out the popcorn… or the Graham crackers, because our unidentified southern dandy has all the day’s hottest gossip.
Santos Spends Campaign Funds On Botox
(Santos allegedly spent campaign money on designer rags but unfortunately, we never got to see them. This look feels very Joseph A. Bank)
Neurotoxins that give you flawless wrinkle-free skin ARE A NECESSARY CAMPAIGN EXPENSE, I defy any ethics committee report to tell me they are not. This is the age of television. Our elected officials have to look as youthful as possible. When they arrive at Epstein’s Island, people should have to ask whether they are guests or the entertainment.
Our darling Representative George Santos from New York has been unfairly targeted again for his alleged repeated and flagrant misuse of funds! No fair! If the Founding Fathers did not want us to have a good time, why would they have given us a “two-party system”? Obviously, one of the parties is supposed to be a pre-game.
Santos allegedly spent thousands of dollars on Hamptons holidays, honeymoons in Vegas, Hermes, Botox, and OnlyFans (a website most associated with porn).
One recently resurfaced clip of Santos appearing on Fox’s Kennedy shows the anchor confronting a coy Santos about his porn consumption. Santos says he never heard of it… although his campaign expenditures would say otherwise. At the end of the clip, Kennedy can be heard (under her breath) saying, “you just can’t tell the truth.”Crops died under all that shade!
Here is a brief catalog of the Congressman’s expenses a lá ABC News:
Honeymoon in Vegas: The Investigative Subcommittee reviewed "taxi and hotel charges on the campaign credit card that were incurred in Las Vegas in December 2021, during a time when Representative Santos had told his campaign staff that he was on his honeymoon and there were no corresponding campaign events on his calendar."
Hamptons holiday: The subcommittee "identified a July 7, 2022, $3,332.81 Airbnb expenditure, reported to the FEC as a 'Hotel stay.' Review of the campaign’s calendar on that date indicated that Representative Santos was 'off at [the] Hampton’s for the weekend.'”
Atlantic City: The report noted that $2,281.52 in campaign money was spent at resorts in Atlantic City, New Jersey, from July 23 to July 24, 2022. It said the subcommittee "did not receive records of any political or campaign events occurring in Atlantic City at that time," and a former staffer told the panel that Santos once told him "he enjoyed visiting casinos to play roulette, often with his husband."
Spa days: "Several other expenditures related to spa services and/or cosmetic procedures could not be verified as having a campaign nexus," the report found, citing a $1,500 purchase on the campaign debit card at Mirza Aesthetics in 2020. The "expense was not reported to the FEC and was noted as 'Botox' in expense spreadsheets," it said. "Similarly, the $1,400 charge at Virtual Skin Spa was a campaign debit card purchase that was also described as 'Botox' in the spreadsheets." Investigators said they also found an "unreported PayPal payment of $1,029.30 to an esthetician associated with a spa in Rhinebeck, New York."
Bank accounts: A campaign committee created by Santos transferred $200,000 to his personal bank accounts, the report found.
Hermès, Sephora and OnlyFans: After one $50,000 payment from the campaign committee to Santos, the "funds were used to, among other things: pay down personal credit card bills and other debt; make a $4,127.80 purchase at Hermes; and for smaller purchases at OnlyFans; Sephora; and for meals and for parking."
Ferragamo stores: After the campaign transferred $20,000 to another Santos company last year, the money "was used to make about $6,000 worth of purchases at Ferragamo stores."
ATM withdrawals: The $20,000 was also used to withdraw $800 from a casino ATM and $1,000 more from an ATM near Santos' apartment, the report found.
Rent: An undisclosed amount of the $20,000 was used for his rent, too, according to the report.
Poor George, he announced he would not seek reelection after this report came out. At least he will be leaving Washington in style.
Tim Scott, Ladies’ Man
(Scott’s beaux, Mindy Noce, pictured with him post-debate)
Perpetual bachelor and presidential candidate Tim Scott was finally romantically linked with a woman, at the last GOP debate. Five days later he dropped out… there’s only so much a man can do for the presidency and women are not one of them.
‘(Lil) Bitch’, Please
Look out, girls! Catfight! Congresswoman Majorie Taylor Greene of Georgia called Lauren Boebert a “little bitch” on the House floor after the Colorado Republican allegedly ripped off Greene’s articles of impeachment against Biden.
Defending her statements, Greene told Semafor she called Bobert a “little bitch” because she “has genuinely been a nasty little bitch to me.”
A C-SPAN video, some have said captures the exchange (without being able to hear the dialogue), has circulated on Twitter.
(Click image for full video on Twitter)
Whatever Greene said, Boebert’s jaw hit the floor harder than Britney Spears’s baby.
Sex and The McGreevey
Just like Sex and The City, former Democrat New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey is attempting a comeback this year. However, both are dogged by images of old people getting it on. In Just Like That (nee Sex and The City’s) case, it is the sight of Cynthia Nixon who, like the Tupperware under my sink, is somehow always missing a top.
In McGreevey’s case, he opposed gay marriage and then was forced to resign as Governor in 2004 after having an affair with his male assistant, an Israeli lawyer who McGreevey claims was trying to blackmail him. Scandal!
The two had a torrid suburbanite affair before things went south. Campaigning. Lunch dates. They even toured a condo together. Once they were even chaperoned by Charles Kushner (Jared Kushner’s dad) before Chris Christie threw him in the clink.
When the press found out, McGreevey came out. He resigned and went on to become the go-to political guru on a short-lived panel talk show called Straight Talk hosted by Joan Rivers and a young Andy Cohen.
Now he is seeking a political comeback as mayor of Jersey City. Does he get Gossip Graham’s endorsement? Sure! Why not?
We support our fighting men in Israel and no one has done more for Israeli men than McGreevey!
That’s all for today, dolls! All of this gossiping has given me the horribles. I must return to my D.C. chateau for more champagne and silk.
Till next time,
-XOXO Gossip Graham
*Gossip Graham is fiction and parody. While individual stories may be true, they are pulled publicly available information, rather than confidential sources. Any similarity between alleged sources and figures living or dead is satirical, parodic, and intended only for humorous purposes only. The names and likeness of those involved in the production of this column have been altered to protect the fabulous.*