Gossip Graham: An Ode To George Santos
(This week’s illustration of the Capitol Beauty Shop, via AI)
About Gossip Graham: You didn’t hear it from me but… Cowtown Caller has made contact with an “unnamed source” in the Capitol who is always feeding the press stories of sex, lies, and scandal. He may have never sat on the Beauty Shop Committee (which is a real thing by the way) but needless to say, he is in there every day to dish with the girls.
Who is he? We can’t say. But sit down and break out the popcorn… or the Graham crackers, because our unidentified southern dandy has all the day’s hottest gossip.
Politics has been juicy lately.
Representative Nancy Mace of South Carolina, 46, who once bragged about her sex life at the National Prayer Breakfast, has reportedly dumped her horny hubby-to-be over his alleged continued use of an online dating profile after their engagement.
Meanwhile, while Mace was lowering the boom on her fiance, another Nancy (Pelosi) was lowering her breasts to half-mast in honor of the late Henry Kissinger.
(source | Guillonaire, Instagram)
However, the juiciest saga has been the expulsion of the Samantha Jones of the House of Representatives. (The House is full of Charlottes, apparently).
In case you missed it, George Santos, the people’s princess, was recently expelled after an ethics report alleged he spent campaign funds on porn and Botox.
However, the New York diva did not go down without a fight. When Representative Max Miller accused Santos of being crooked, Santos accused him of hitting his girlfriend.
This exchange set a titillating tone.
Santos, the self-proclaimed Mary Magdalene of Congress, promised to expose all of his colleagues who are/were having affairs if they voted to expel him.
(Capitol employees removing Santos’s office sign after his expulsion vote)
(Mourners were quick to place flowers outside their fallen queen’s office, in a makeshift attempt to signal the devastating loss to our nation).
Will Santos make good on his promise? Some recent tweets seem to indicate yes.
This is not the first time a Representative has signaled sexual shenanigans on Capitol Hill.
One can not forget when Madison Cawthorn told an interviewer that he had been invited to numerous ‘cocaine orgies’ by other political leaders, during his time in Washington. These outrageous claims lead Gossip Graham to ask, “why wasn’t I invited?”
Quickly, Cawthorn was attacked by other representatives like then-Speaker Kevin McCarthy who stated Cawthorn ‘lost his trust’, making one wonder if it was not true or if Cawthorn “lost” McCarthy’s invite.
Perhaps, cocaine orgies are just another party that doesn’t want McCarthy.
In any event, there has been an interesting twist in the Santos saga.
(Screenshot of Santos’s Cameo page, showing his videos going for as much as $500)
Like all the great divas who preceded him, Tina Turner, Cher, Lindsey Graham, Santos is re-inventing himself.
Santos has quickly bounced back as a witty internet personality on Cameo, a website that allows users to pay various celebs for personalized commentary videos including advice, pep talks, wedding speeches, and roasts.
Santos’s videos have quickly become hot commodities online. Staring at $75 a pop, before being raised to $200, $400, and now a whopping $500, Santos has become the most sought-after figure currently on the platform.
Apparently, this Long Islander has found his medium. Here are several examples of his work;
Santos’s Cameo explains he is not “diva down,” and how divas like him can never be “downed.”
A compilation video of Santos’s cameos, compiled by Brut America, including a roast of some man named Chris.
Santos singing “Trouble” by Taylor Swift for Rolling Stone magazine.
(Santos promoting an account for two gay porn stars)
In one humorous turn of events, Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman paid Santos for some encouraging words (video above) for an unidentified “Bobby”, who turned out to be embattled by Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey who is facing similar accusations to Santos (although he has not yet resigned).
Readers may think Santos’s new career is tasteless and low-brow–– and it is–– that is why he is the patron saint of Gossip Graham!
However, these black marks have put a lot of black ink in Santos’s bank account.
Santos told Page Six he is doing hundreds of videos a day, sometimes taking home as much as $80,000 in an evening.
Simultaneously, Santos has been spotted dining with Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert who recently suffered her own boob-clutching scandal at the Beatle Juice musical, as well as negotiating a plea deal with the feds.
But what of the sex scandal stories Santos promised?
Speculation is currently swirling that he may use them as ammunition in his planned return to Congress campaign that the embattled “icon” announced this morning on the Frank Morano radio show.
That’s all for today, dolls! All of this gossiping has given me the horribles. I must return to my D.C. chateau for cigarettes and ozempic.
Till next time,
-XOXO Gossip Graham
*Gossip Graham is fiction and parody. While individual stories may be true, they are pulled from publicly available information, rather than confidential sources. Any similarity between alleged sources and figures living or dead is satirical, parodic, and intended for humorous purposes only. The names and likenesses of those involved in the production of this column have been altered to protect the fabulous.*