Sunday Funnies: Beware The Bovine

One buck almost turned a man into a doe–– a John Doe–– in one recently shared viral video. This belligerent Bambi rammed a tourist in the rib cage with his antlers as the unsuspecting shutterfly tried to snap a selfie with the cloven clauberer. 

While this unlucky tourist may have thought he found his Zootopia, it is important to remember that not every deer is The Yearling. Deer are America’s deadliest animal according to the CDC. Yes, you read that right. Deer kill about 120 people per year compared to about one fatality per year for alligators and sharks respectively. That puts a new definition to "fur is murder". 

Deer can even be known to eat meat–– and not just any meat. Sometimes deer have eaten human corpses. In one widely shared video from Texas's famous corpse ranch, a deer was seen chewing on a human rib. 

In another video, deer have been seen eating snakes. It was widely believed that deer sometimes engage in carnivorous consumption because of a need for calcium. 

Despite what we commonly hear about endangered animals and the decline of wildlife populations in the U.S., deer endure. Thanks to conservation efforts there are more deer in the U.S. today than when Columbus discovered North America–– which I guess means none of us are safe. 

While you may (now) be inclined to interpret a lonesome buck staring at you in the road as you cruise home as a threat, you should not become too alarmed. Deer are merciful killers. A flicker of concern can be seen on this buck's face after he decapitates a doe decoy while seeking a little horizontal refreshment. 

If there is any lesson to be learned from the fallible photog, it is probably that we should not be worried about the Rise of the Planet of the Apes but the domination of the Dominion of Deer. Although not particularly intelligent, deer will likely soon become our bovine overlords, and we best stock up on our feed-corn now so we may please them. Like cigarettes in prison, alfalfa will become the gold-standard currency. I am collecting the leftover porch pumpkins from Halloween right now so that I can curry favor with my timberland tyrant. 

Let this be a warning to you. Yes, you, deer reader, that wildlife that are to be respected–– and respected at a distance.